Those that have not experienced depression may think “ok so you were sad, get over it” well those of you readers that have experienced depression will understand its not that easy. Sometimes it is a long battle, both physical and mental, and emotional. It becomes a battle to just get out of bed in the morning,
Those that have suffered and YES! It is suffering, will relate to not really wanting to do anything, I recently have not wanted to do anything except go to work and that is only because I had to. Now this bout with depression I was able to deal with pretty easily but I have had depression so bad I have had to be medicated to treat it.
It’s quite frustrating to feel sad all the time and to feel like nothing you do is ever good enough. Or that your not worth anything. And it doesn’t help when you feel no one around you understands what it is your experiencing, so you stop talking to people ie. friends, family. Basically shut yourself away, and pray that you stop feeling anything. Depression is not feeling anything although you can experience numbness it’s feeling to many things all at once. An overload of misery. I feel like people who have major issues with depression tends to more empathetic people although all people can experience depression. I just feel like people who open themselves up and put themselves out there to help others are more likely to struggle with depression.
I feel like different times of year bring it on. I experience it more around the holidays. But again it can creep up on me anytime. I sometimes feel as though it a battle to keep it at bay.
Also for those that are unaware I was diagnosed with ptsd and borderline personality disorder, Which literally defined means borderline personality disorder also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder is a long- term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions. Now I feel like I agree with the unstable sense of self. I have in the past saw nothing when I looked at myself in the mirror, now I don’t just mean I seen myself and thought of myself as nothing but I loathed myself so much I literally saw nothing. I feel like I was never taught to love myself I always felt like a failure, my mom struggled with me because of her relationship with my father, so I feel like often growing up I was just a hindrance to her, or I guess you could say a burden to her.
My dad left me at an early age, he claims that was best for me because he was sick and an alcoholic and he didn’t put me through that, but what he didn’t realize is that he was creating a different problem making me not trust any man that came into my life. And to create unhealthy attachments to people that didn’t deserve my affection. However he is not the only person to blame my mom was partly responsible as well, she was a far better mother to my siblings than she was to me. And yet I am the one that will go the extra mile for her. I even this year bought her a car so she was not stuck at home. And yet when my mom referres to her children I am not included in that. But to be fair I have not needed her to care for me even before I was 18 I have been able to care for myself and any others since I was 13. So she has not had to worry about me.
Due to this I have often felt that if I was different my parents would love me, And as a child this was a very hard thing to understand why I wasn’t enough and that my parents chose there vices over me. I actually got told once by my mom when I told her I did not like the guy she was dating at the time, that I was just jealous that she had someone and I didn’t, I believe I was 13 at that time. Oh and but the way this man she was dating at that time ended up in prison for molesting his daughter (my sister). So who was right on that one?
Now I don’t want you to think my parents are the cause of all my problems because that are not and I have come to realize over the years that they 1: should not have had kids as early as they did. And 2: Did the best they could considering what they had to work with and the mental illnesses that they had to deal with. I live my life knowing that I am a stronger person because I have went through a lot. But I just wanted to share that even now I still struggle with depression. I want you all to know that if your dealing with depression your not alone and that someone is out there to listen please talk to someone. Most importantly don’t give up things will get better, maybe it will take time but It does get better.
Thanks foe tuning in and please feel free to comment I know this was putting a lot out there please be considerate with your comments. And ill see you next time when we talk about Do You Remember...?
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